Monday, September 7, 2009

....and by the way, it STINKS in here! (Email Classics)

Written May 22, 2009

I was actually just going to leave you all alone, but I walked through the front rooms on my way to toss a Diet Pepsi into the freezer for a few before I dig back into my massive paperwork project this morning and I was again assaulted by the STENCH in my house! It's true - my house STINKS and truth be told, it has for some time, on regular intervals. You know why? Because I'm a SUCKER and a SAP, that's why.

It's because there are presently 12 young chicks and 4 NOISY turkeys under brooding lights in my dining/living room. The chicks are in a big wooden box, with a lid (oh, don't ask me how many times I've been tempted to shut that lid.) The turkeys are in a toddler pool, surrounded by 4-ft orange plastic netting with an infrared lamp keeping them toasty, the fragile little hot-house lilies. There's a light bulb over the chicks keeping them warm, too.

See, you have to keep the young things warmed to 95 degrees. On sunny days, we transfer the turkeys to a pen outside for the day and just bring them in at night. But their pool and their "bidness," if you know what I mean, stay in the house, so the pew-factor is still about the same. But, it's too cool and rainy to put them outside today. So, for the sake of fun, let's add humidity to the equation, shall we? See, it's rainy outside, and the lamps make it warm inside, so we have that great swamp factor going on. And we all know what warm and damp does for smells, right? (Can you just imagine how nice my house looks with pools and netting and such? And a tub of fresh straw, and a 50-lb bag of turkey food? If my mud room wasn't filled with laundry, I could shove it all in there.)

Did I mention that in spite of the rain, the old hay farmers still watered the alfalfa fields surrounding us yesterday and swamped our leach field, so we added sewer stench to the equation late yesterday afternoon? It's dissipated now, except for a lingering aroma in Adam's room. Poor Adam.

I want the creatures OUT, OUT, OUT!!! OUT of my house, with their chirping and their pooping and their STINKING! And, by the way, while I'm in here silently hating them, they're having the time of their lives! See, the chicks? They're almost 3 weeks old, which in chicken life is about like an 11-yr-old boy. And what do 11-yr-old boys like to do? Climb and jump. Well, these silly chicks have taken to flapping their little wings to "fly" themselves up out of the box, onto the ledge of the lid, then they leap back into the box. Flapping and leaping, flapping and leaping. It's an annoying little cadence. Not to mention, when I went to put that Diet Pepsi in the freezer a few minutes ago? I heard a big ruckus. Well, that's because Junior leapt off the ledge onto the floor instead of back in the box and didn't know how to get back in. I had to catch him/her/whatever.

I won't have the little poopers walking around my house. I won't. Mike is off the next 3 days and he will find a solution. He will clear room in the one outbuilding that has non-scary electrical wiring and will remove these cute little stench factories from my home. Or, I'm moving into my mom's house.

Mom, I'll take the newly redecorated room, please, with the 1,000-thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets, please, and the glowing wood floors. And, please have a cool, damp cloth waiting for me to apply to my eyes. And, fresh, mild pot pourri. Please.

For now, I'm going to go take a bubble bath. THEN I'll get back into my paper project. And I won't add Benadryl to their water to make them sleepy. I WON'T.

Oh well, it could be worse - it could be two weeks ago when the 3 ducklings were in here, too.

Seething resentment from the farm,

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